Scenario: Your good friend Sally calls you to relate her sad story about her awful experience yesterday at the monthly gathering of her husband's family. Clearly she is angry, resentful, and hurt. Sally describes how mean her sister-in-law is to everyone - especially her. Sally's mother-in-law, as usual, practically ignores her kids and treats Sally like she's from Mars. Sally gets no comfort from her husband when she complains to him about how unloving and strange his family is - especially in comparison to her family. Sally goes on and on. Obviously she is in pain about her situation.

Your response to Sally is (choose 1. or 2. below):

1. Oh Sally, you poor thing. What a bummer that you have to show up at these monthly events. Your mother-in-law obviously is obtuse and doesn't have the slightest idea of how to be in relationship with any one but her blood family. If she was caring she'd recognize that you feel ill at ease and uncared for, and she'd set her own daughter straight about how to be toward you. So how do you think you could avoid going to next month's family gathering?
2. Wow, Sally, it sounds like you're really unhappy whenever you return from visiting your husband's family. I can feel your pain. What if we take a look at what goes on between you and each of your husband's family members in a brand new way? What if you were able to be objective and set your judgments of all of them aside for just a bit of time? Can you pretend that you are twenty thousand feet up in an airplane looking down on the scene of the gathered family? Set your feelings aside and ask yourself, 'What can I learn from what's going on between each of them and me?' What am I possibly projecting onto them that I dislike about myself? Etc., etc., etc.

If you chose '1.' you are in the company of most folks who believe that to be a friend to Sally you should empathize and 'team up' with her. You should get on her band wagon and let her know that you agree with her. Your belief is that if you do these things you will let Sally know you understand her and it will help cement the bond between you two. Though you may not intend it, it also serves to keep her anger and resentment alive - even feed them.

Choosing '2.' is the far more helpful choice for Sally - though it may be more of a challenge for you. Because you are her good friend, you ask Sally to set 'doing' something about the negative family situation aside until she identifies her feelings and then objectively seeks to learn from each interaction with each family member. You suggest she looks at these gatherings and her individual relationships as opportunities for her to discover important information about herself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Those of us who choose '2.' know that every perceived conflict-filled situation is an opportunity to stretch and grow. There are no victims or villains amongst us. Human beings are all the same: like one another and just like God.* It's difficult to stand up to good friends and disagree with them when they want us to jump on their bandwagons. Yet, once we become conscious of the fact that the purpose of relationships is for human beings to learn about and heal themselves, we owe it to our friends to stop supporting their sad stories.

This can be risky business. If Sally, from the above scenario, is not ready to give up her angry and judgmental position, and you espouse your beliefs about no victims or villains, she could decide to desert your friendship. She'll then find some other who will support her sad stories and call that person 'friend'. At that moment in time, you will have outgrown your relationship with Sally. This may leave you feeling alone.

The road to higher consciousness may often feel lonely, though you will never be alone. Please know that as one door closes, another opens. As one relationship ends, intend and expect another to blossom. Stay true to yourself. Remember that likes attract likes. When you take responsibility for all that happens to you, you will attract others into your life with similar beliefs. These will be new friendships; people who align with who you are at this moment in time. Meanwhile, be the kind of friend who supports your friends to give up their anger, resentment, and judgments. You will be the bearer of their peace, joy and freedom!

*God is the word I use to refer to the universal oneness, the all-that-there-is, the highest of all powers.

1. Become aware of how often you tell any one of your own sad stories to others. Notice if their responses serve to further fuel your fire, or steer you in the direction of self-evaluation. Which response is more helpful?
2. Decide to support your friends the way that you would want them to support you -even if you sense that you're taking a huge risk.

Email me your questions, concerns, or results at brenda@brendamiller.org.

"Please do not believe me if ever I should say that you've upset me. Sometimes I forget the true source of my feelings.

You cannot make me sad, impatient, angry, or otherwise dis-eased. Only a hope or expectation of you on my part, which you have not fulfilled, can move me thus.

I am too human to be without hopes and expectations, and I am also much too human to live always in the knowing that my hopes and expectations have no claim upon your being.

So if I say that you've upset me, please forgive me for attempting to disinherit my own self's creation of my pain. And please do not ignore my deeper message: I care enough about you to include you in my hopes and expectations." --- -The Wizard of Is

At the end of each coaching session I often leave clients with an inquiry - a question to be answered over a period of time. I present you with these two inquiries:

1. What kind of friend are you (who are you being): helper or hinderer?
2. How is the kind of friend you are being working for you in your life?

Please send me your comments and questions. Let me know how I can make this publication better, what you liked, and what you want more of. I aim to please!

Picture me extending a warm and welcoming hand to each of you. Hear me asking you to consider joining me in a partnership which will deepen your learning about anything in your life and also assist you to move forward from where you are today to where you'd like to be tomorrow.

Over the past two months I've had at least four people call me, claim to be interested in a coaching partnership, then call back with some reason for not 'doing it' just yet. Each had his/her own reasons .

Not one said 'I'm too scared'. The most often-used excuse was that they did not have the money right now.

Often the reason someone says s/he is not ready to enter the coaching relationship is because of a lack of funds. I ask, "If money were not an issue for you, would you hire a coach?" When honestly answered, this question allows someone to realize that s/he finds money for what's important to him or her, and money is not a valid excuse. Another way of saying this is that people choose to spend money on what they value -i.e. children's needs, household expenses, a car, anything other than bettering one's self.

In my opinion, there are two main reasons someone does not follow his/her wise self's prompting to hire a coach: Lack of value of one's self, and/or fear of confronting one's self. Perhaps one of these is standing in the way of you stepping into one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in your life (a coach-client relationship).

If what I've written here strikes a cord within you, if you feel scared or just not worth first place in your life, please call me for some conversation. Let me assist you to find the path back to yourself because your soul is begging to be free.

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