|
The answer to the title question is, 'I have the power, and so do you.'
It took me almost thirty-eight years to discover that. Before then, teachers and good friends often threw terms at me suggesting that I 'step into in my power', 'own my power', 'be powerful'. These phrases evoked fear and anxiety within me. I felt conflicted and confused about power. I was not aware that though I denied ownership of my personal power, I always was and always would be a powerful woman. No doubt I was remembering how, at a very young age, I was shamed into believing that powerful behavior was a really bad thing.
When I was six, I loved to play house with my very first best friend, Ella. She was 'the baby' and I was 'the mommy'. The roles came naturally to us - as if we knew before we began that they were meant to be. One day Ella's mom called me aside and, in a disapproving tone of voice, scolded me for always wanting to be 'mommy' and for never giving Ella that opportunity. She told me that I was a bad little girl and that I was very bossy.
Her reprimand stunned me. I can still feel the heat of the shame that pervaded my body. Though I did not know exactly what it meant, the word 'bossy' sounded very negative to me. In that instant, what had once been excitement about my feelings concerning leadership (being mommy or being bossy), turned to feelings of fear. I felt like I had been caught after committing a crime. Something in me wanted to behave like a 'mommy'! What was that? And, since it must be bad, how could I make it go away?
I skulked home that day and told no one about what happened lest some one find out what a bad person I was. I kept my secret, and it became a burden.
Until my late thirties I stunted my personal and spiritual growth; I refused to let my wise self guide me; I would not allow myself to be authentic; and I never got to feel the strength of being connected to myself. As I grew from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, I continued to liken any desire to be the in-charge-person with the negativity surrounding my desire to want to 'be mommy'. The replaying of the incident between Ella's mom and me coupled with my belief that Ella's mom was right gave me reasons to believe that power was nothing I wanted to take any credit for having.
All those years I thought I had the world fooled about who I really was, and about the shameful way I wished to behave. I did not realize that it was futile to deny my feelings. While pretending to be someone I was not, my bossy behavior leaked out. Because I built a wall around myself so that no one could get close enough to find me out, people never knew how much I loved them and wanted to be loved in return; this caused me to feel lonely and cut-off. Instead of being the driver, I became a 'backseat driver'. I did not take control of my own life; instead I tried to control others' lives. Instead of speaking my truth, I often veiled it behind a wall of sarcasm. I was unhappy a lot of the time.
When I participated in my first experiential workshop, Lifespring, I learned a lot about myself and other people, as well. My biggest 'wake-up call' was discovering that wanting to be mommy when I was six years old was a natural and positive expression of my desire to behave like the leader I was born to be. Ella never wanted that role, and for me being mommy was simply an expression of me owning my personal power. I did not cause anyone to suffer. I had done nothing wrong. There was nothing for me to feel guilty or ashamed of.
The life-changing experiences in the workshop gave me an opportunity to remember that we all have personal power and it's never too late to claim it. Personal power is a part of our vital life force energy. It pulsates inside us wanting to be expressed in behavior that will bring joy to ourselves and to others. If we do not own our power, it will own us.
For the past twenty-five years I've been in the process of retraining myself. Feeling fear often is still my initial reaction when new opportunities to step into my power present themselves. However, I can more and more quickly flip that fear into excitement. This ability allows me to know that I own, and can say, with great pride, "I am a powerful, vulnerable, loving woman!"
|
